Optimism, Schizophrenia or Survival Skill?
This post was written on September 29th.
Everyday I post on Facebook, TWITTER, NMFConnect and answer countless emails. Since a goodly percentage of my contacts are either aware of my (and/or my son's) chronic illness, have their own chronic illness, or are a family member of someone with a chronic illness I receive many questions along the line of "how are you doing today?" or "how are you really feeling?". So here is the deal---when I write a status post on any of the aforementioned sites, I am telling the truth, always. So where is the problem? Well, while posting this weekend I came to the realization that since I subscribe to the philosophy of "positive thoughts, speak and action" --what I fondly refer to as ALOTBSOL (credit Monty Python--Always Look on the Bright Side of Life) that the result has been a development of a duplicitous existence--at least on the web. "Public persona" vs "personal/private persona" as it were.
The complete irony of this will not be lost on certain members of my family and very close friends who know that I grew up in a family culture that due to alcohol, ignorance and bad choices, was completely ruled by this duplicitous lifestyle. Most who knew my father, would always say what a sweet, funny, good man he was. And he was....always...in public. His "private persona" however, was much different---What most people (including all but immediate family) did not see was the angry, mean, abusive man that he was in "private". The man that actually showed glee at behavior that humiliated and demeaned. The type of behavior that should have been disavowed and prohibited by any decent husband or father.
This dual manifestation has unfortunately been his legacy to one of my brothers who continues to perpetrate the same split personality which allows him to present a public persona of decency--a model citizen, teacher, father, and until recently, loving husband. While privately, he is abusive, controlling, demeaning, spiteful and wraps it all up in a huge ribbon of rage fueled by a skewed sense of entitlement. And yes, he too is an alcoholic, however, his abusive, controlling, meanness, irrational entitlement and bursts of unprovoked rage manifested themselves at a much earlier age----way before alcohol became his best and most loyal friend.
However, I digress. This was not meant to be a bearing of the soul of my dysfunctional childhood and family. However, there is a parallel at play here, but it is a much more kinder, gentler duplicitous existence of which I have chosen to live out. As a person with a condition that causes chronic pain and fatigue I have two distinct and very real existences at play ever day. For example:
Today on my Facebook status I wrote:
Cooking up a storm this weekend in prep for Brad's surgery. Stocking the freezer with meatloaf, chicken enchiladas, meatballs and sausage. Started Friday night, and of course, in the midst of all the cooking, the kitchen sink starts leaking. Good thing we have a neighbor who is also a plumber!
Well, this is all true. Every word, every meatball! LOL. Makes me sound like a normal (albeit Type A) wife and mother spending her weekend in preparation for her spouses' surgery. However, how I really feel this weekend is: absolutely worn out, exhausted-like I am clinging on by my fingernails. Every part of my body hurts, my feet, my legs and hips, my wrists (which makes all the cooking so pleasant!!), my back, and especially my neck. In between the chicken and meatloaf yesterday I had to lie down. I did take a two hour nap--it was the only time yesterday that I was pain free: while I was sleeping.
The reality of our situation is that Brad is our healthiest family member. And he will be needing the most care over the next several weeks.. I will gladly step up and care for him, as he does for me--always. We do not have family near us, nor do we have the kind of support network here that would step in and help the way family would. That is nothing new to us, we have been through so much these past few years and have managed pretty much on our own. We have received the occasional meal from those who live near us who we consider good friends, and we are so thankful and appreciative. However, the point being, we have to do this ourselves, we know that, and we do, with ALOTBSOL and adrenaline. I CHOOSE to post positive comments and updates. I do not want to ever become the person who lets the pain and fatigue over-take her spirit. Although there are times where I am just so spent and see no relief ahead---and that CAN be discouraging. If it wasn't, there would be something seriously wrong with me. These next few weeks will not be pretty. They will be challenging. They will test my physical ability to 'keep up" in many ways. I will dig deep and find whatever reserves are hiding in the deep recesses--somewhere.
So there you are---my upbringing in a duplicitous environment has trained me well. I can feel like I've been hit by a truck and still project a positive, supportive, hopefully humorous persona. And while I profess that this is a conscious "choice" on my part--I choose to be positive. Maybe, upon examination it is actually more than that.